I love You

“I will open my heart to the love that is around me.”

Martha W. Hickman

I felt the wave building. That wave of grief that hits you out of no where, rapidly and suddenly. I quickly put my running shoes on and took off. I began jogging at first, then increased my speed to a run. A mile down. I felt rage. The tears were streaming down my face, as I focused on slowing down my breathing and getting my rhythm in sync. I screamed inside. I used to run with my Pebs. I’d push his stroller as I enjoyed his presence with me. There wasn’t a stroller to push this time. Anger built up again. Rage. I should have my son with me, here. Another mile down. The tears kept flowing like an unstoppable waterfall. My run was now a sprint. My body was on autopilot. It knew the running trail I always took. My mind was elsewhere. I thought painfully and brokenheartedly about my Pebs. The guilt was overtaking my heart. All the what ifs were surrounding my mind. Mile 3 done. My body must’ve ached, but all I felt was anger. Rage. Wrath. Indescribable fury at the reality of my life. I was a mother that had lost her 21 month old son to a tragic accident in her home. Another mile done.

I was back at home. I had little recollection of my run. I was only out of breath because of my screams, my sobs, but my body was still raging in anger. I walked over to my vehicle and began washing it. Angrily. Blindly. I was cleaning the inside, throwing trash away and vacuuming. I had found a balloon from Amoree’s Valentines classroom party the day before. The balloon had fallen out of the car and was floating around while I kept cleaning the inside. Multiple times I came across the balloon, and instead of picking it up to throw it away, I would just stare at it and leave it there. I knew I needed to pick it up, but I would just walk over it. Rock had heard my tears, and walked over to hold me. I allowed myself to be held. And I finally released it all. I collapsed releasing it all. Rock held me. He wanted my pain to disappear. He wanted to fix the problem.
“God wants us to have another baby, babe.” There was that subject again. “Why did he take my son away if he just wanted me to have another one?” I didn’t understand any of it. I just hurt. I didn’t want the pain to go away. I wanted my son back. After a few minutes, we released each other. I pulled away to come back inside the house. I was done. I needed to dry my face, my shirt, and sit down to talk to God. Rock stayed outside to close the garage door and put my car wash supplies away.

A few minutes later, he came back inside. I was sitting on the couch, praying, and looked up at him. His face was covered in tears. His eyes bloodshot from sobbing. He hadn’t been crying when we were outside holding each other. Why was his face covered in tears? I saw the balloon in his hands. He stared at me. Then looked back at the balloon that simply said, “I love you.” He said, “Babe, I know God wants us to have a baby. When you came back inside, I looked up and told God not to make me liar. I told Him that if He really wanted us to have a baby, to be with me and not make me liar. As I began walking to the garage door to close it, I looked down. I saw this balloon. I felt Him. I felt Him telling me that He loves me and would never leave me. For me to trust in Him.” Tears rolled down his face as he was telling me this. I cried, but there were no tears of anger this time. They were of hope. They were of love. They were of our Father holding us, guiding us, and giving us strength, answers during the dark times we were going through.

The enemy was working hard to break us, but my God was shielding us with His love, His Holy Spirit, His protection. We felt His presence all around us that day. Even when I was running, He was with me. He was with me when I was washing my vehicle. He was urging me to leave that balloon there because He would reveal it to my husband later. He knew that day would happen before I even started running. He knew. I needed to trust.

It’s at our lowest point that we can see His goodness, if we allow Him to work in us and through us. I would never wish any of this on my worst enemy, but oh the blessing of His love was revealed over and over again. I saw miracles on miracles, blessings upon blessings. I experienced His Spirit in my life, and I will not ever let that go. His goodness will be shared through my pain. His love will be told.

“We who have dwelt in darkness begin to see.”

Martha W. Hickman