It’s hard to believe it’s been 8 years. Eight long years since I last held you.
If I had known eight years ago that life would have changed this much, I would’ve never believed I could’ve survived it. If someone had told me that I was going to lose my son in September of that year, I would’ve told them that I was going to die with him. There was absolutely no way I could survive my child dying. And in a way, I didn’t. I’m not that same person. Neither is my daughter or my husband. We all had to change. We all were broken, dead, in a way. Tragedy does that to a person. You have to change in order to live. Find your new self, your new norm. My son was our life, our energy, our complete circle, and we had to learn how to live with that circle now being broken. We had to learn how to mend the circle again.
I know by now all that have read my blog know how strong my faith in God is. The only reason we have survived in a sane manner is because of His grace. We are here because He gave us the strength, the peace, the guidance, the perseverance to keep going. We suffered and felt real agonizing and excruciating pain when we lost Pebs. We didn’t even want to live. We didn’t even see the purpose, but my seven year old daughter didn’t deserve such cruelty. Her life was complete, and her brother being called to heaven and seeing her parents in a state that no seven year old should ever have to witness was difficult enough for any child to bear. Amoree deserved her parents to fight for a “new normal” life.
I can’t begin to tell you how this tragedy has affected my Amee. She struggles with self-esteem issues, confidence, and relationships. She has a hard time trusting and getting close to anyone. She saw the devastation and agony in our eyes for years, and she knows true pain. Her struggle in believing in herself, trusting others, and talking about her feelings is an ongoing battle. I pray so hard for her because she is now 16 years old, and self-esteem and confidence are the last things you want your daughter at this age to lack, but then there’s God! I know He’s still working through her, with her, and for her. He is creating a beautiful, powerful woman of God. He turns the pain and hurt into good for us, for her. He is working even though we don’t see it or understand it.
I didn’t know i
I was going to write tonight. It’s been many months since the last time I wrote. Mainly because of life and the busyness of the world, but this was put in my heart tonight. I wanted, needed to thank Him for His goodness, for His faithfulness. I don’t like remembering that day. The day we lost him, but I can now look back at his videos, his pictures, and smile. I know there is a reason and purpose for everything He has planned. I trust in Him. Through every storm, through every tear, every fear, every obstacle, my God will see us through.
Tonight, I thank Him. I give Him the glory. I put my Amee, my Raphee, my husband, and myself in His hands. We are Yours. We are grateful. We are faithful.
Pebble's Pond 