Author: pebblespond

I lost my 21 month old son in a tragic accident. I've never felt so lost in my entire life. I learned deeply in my faith, my family, and friends. I desired to know God deeply, in a more intimate way because I knew that if I was still on this earth, I still hadn't fulfilled my purpose. I had so many questions that I needed Him to answer, and seeking God was my way of staying sane during my pain and suffering. I know what it feels like to lose a child, and this is one way that I know will heal some wounds. I wish to be a light to others, inspire those who are hurting, and help those who have lost hope.

Pebble’s Adventures

First Airplane Ride

“Good morning!” I hear mama say. Today, we are going on an airplane ride. We are taking a trip. Mama says it’s very far. Driving our car will take too long. The airplane will get us there much faster. Daddy said we have to pack our bags. My suitcase is a blue rectangle with wheels. It’s my favorite. I can pull it all by myself. I pack all my favorite things. My mama helps me. She said I also need to pack some clothes. I almost forgot those! “Don’t forget your toothbrush,” said Mana, that’s Spanish for sister. She’s older than me. Dada asks, “Are we ready to go?” We all say, “Yes! Let’s go, go, go!”

The airport is very big and full of people. I stay close to mama as we hurry to our gate. There’s lots of people working at the airport. They have blue shirts on and almost look like police. Mama said they are called TSA workers. Dada said they are to keep us safe while we go through the airport. They put our bags through a slide machine. It looks like a tunnel or a cave. Mama said it’s to make sure there are no dangerous things in the bags. It’s to keep everyone safe. I thought that was very cool. We then had to walk one at a time through the silver pathway. It looked like a door but only with no door. It was silver. Dada said I had to be brave because I had to go through all by myself. It was scary. I didn’t want to go by myself. Mama walked through the silver pathway first. Next, it was Mana’s turn. She was so brave. I wanted to be just like her. It was now my turn. Would I be able to do it. I looked at Mama. She smiled at me and said, “You can do it. You are a big boy.” Mana cheered me on. I looked behind at Dada. He said, “You are my brave boy. You got this.” I took a deep breath and stepped forward. I kept looking at Mama. The worker said, “Come on through. Ok, you did it. Thank you for being such a brave boy.” I looked back at Dada, and he gave me a thumbs up. I was so proud.

We all grabbed our stuff that had gone through the tunnel. We didn’t have anything dangerous. Mana handed me my blue suitcase, and I began to roll it as we headed toward our gate. It was a long way. I started to feel tired. Dada saw that I was walking slower. He scooped me up and placed me on his shoulders. Mama helped me and pulled my bag for me. I was very thankful that Dada had picked me. Everything was much easier to see on his shoulders. He was so tall and strong. I know one day, I’ll be big and strong like him. We finally made it to our gate. It didn’t take long before they let us get on the plane. They have you get on the plane in a certain order. Mama looked at our boarding pass and told us the group number we would line up in. We waited for that number and then, we got in line to get on the plane. We had to go through a long hallway that also seemed like a tunnel. It was taking us to the entrance door of the plane! I was so excited! Mana had been on a plane before so she already knew where we were going. She saw my nervous face and told me it was ok. I didn’t have to be scared. The tunnel was leading us to the door of the airplane. We were almost there!

Once we got inside the airplane, we had to walk in between seats. It was very tight. Mama kept saying sorry to the people sitting in the seats. We kept bumping them with all of our bags and suitcases. We had to look on the top of the seats where they had the numbers and letters so we could find our assigned seats. When we finally found them, Dada said we had to place our suitcases and bags in the safe place on top of the seats. They were like cabinets that opened down. They were sort of big for our bags to fit in. We put her suitcases in the bin, and then, we sat down in our assigned seats. I got to sit in the middle in between Mama and Dada. Mana was sitting in the same row but on the other side. We could still see her. There were people sitting in front of us, behind us, and across from us. The plane had many seats, and there were many people in a hurry to put their bags in the bin. The plane had workers that were also wearing blue uniforms, but they didn’t look like police. Mama said they were called flight attendants. They looked very nice. All of them were smiling and being very helpful. They offered Mama to help me with my seatbelt. Mama said she could do it and told them thankyou. They said I was such a big boy because I wasn’t crying. There were other kids on the plane that were crying, but I knew I had to be brave.

There was a man’s voice that came on the plane. Dada said it was the speaker or intercom. “Welcome on board to our airplane. We are so glad you are flying with us,” said the man. Dada said that the man’s voice was the pilot. He flies the airplane. The pilot said we would be taking off in a few minutes. We had to be buckled up and seated for take off. The flight attendants also spoke on the intercom. “Please listen carefully to the following instructions as we get ready for take off.” They were standing in the middle of the seats or the aisle and were showing everyone directions on how to buckle the seatbelts, where the restrooms were, the exit doors, and some other stuff I didn’t quite understand. Mama said it was important to pay attention to them because they were being helpful. When they had finished, the pilot came back and said, “prepare for take off.” I was a little nervous. I looked up at Dada as the plane started going faster and faster. He smiled at me. Mama grabbed my hand. I felt my body push back into my seat as the plane started to come off the ground. We were in the air! I felt us going higher and higher. I was flying!

The plane was really loud. Dada said it was the big engines making that big, loud noise. It hurt my ears a little bit, but I was tough. Mama said it was going to be a long flight so I could take a nap. I rested my head on Mama’s leg and closed my eyes.

I woke up to the sound of the pilot on the intercom. “I have some good news. We will be arriving soon. Please have your seatbelts on ready to land.” The attendants were walking up and down the aisles picking up trash and making sure we were all ready for landing. Dada let me see out the window. Everything down below looked very tiny from high up in the sky. As we started to go lower to the ground, the tiny things started to look bigger. I could see cars and houses and tall buildings, but they all still looked very small from the airplane’s window. The plane’s wings were so big and wide. All the clouds looked so fluffy and close. I pretended to reach my hands out and grab one. It was silly, but they were so close to the window that I felt I could put one fluffy cloud in my pocket. We kept getting lower and lower to the ground. Everything that looked tiny before started to look bigger and bigger. As the plane was getting ready to touch the ground, the plane shook and trembled a bit. It moved me around in my seat. Mama put her hand across me so I could feel safer. I was happy I was sitting next to Mama and Dada. They made me feel safe and brave. The plane was stopping really hard. I started to lean forward in my seat. Mama squeezed me back toward the seat. It felt like I was going to fall forward out of my seat. It was a very scary feeling, but with Mama’s arm across my body, I knew that I was okay. The airplane was now moving very slowly on the ground. We had landed safely! The attendants said we were taxiing or moving slowly towards our gate. We were almost there! They said we had to stay in our seats until the seatbelt sign turned off.

Once the plane stopped in front of our gate, the seatbelt light turned off and we were able to get our bags from the bins. We had to wait patiently for the people in front of us to get their stuff first. Mama said it was good manners to wait our turn. We grabbed our bags and started walking out of the plane when it was our turn. The friendly attendants and pilots were at the exit telling everyone bye and saying thank you. They even gave me a high five, and said I was a brave, big boy. I felt very proud. We walked down a big, long tunnel again until we entered another big airport. Dada said we had to go to the baggage claim to get the rest of our luggage. After we grabbed all of our bags, we waited outside for our ride. They would take us to our hotel.

I was happy we had made it. We walked outside to wait for our ride. Dada put me on his shoulders again. I looked up at the sky. It wasn’t dark yet, but the sun was going down. As I looked toward the evening sky and the sun going down, I saw the moon. I love finding the moon even during the day. This time, it was almost a big circle. It was missing some part. Mama saw me looking at it and said it was not a full moon. She called it “waxing gibbous.” That was a big word for me. I just loved the way it shined even when it wasn’t all the way dark. I was happy.

Dada said he was proud of his “Sunny boy.” Mama said, “Papasito was so brave.” Mana even gave me a high five. I was proud of how tough and brave I was on my first airplane ride. As we waited for a ride to arrive, we said a little prayer. We thanked God for arriving safely. We were safe. We had a good flight, and I can’t wait to do it again.

“He’d begun to wake up in the morning with something besides dread in his heart. Not happiness exactly, not eagerness for the new day, but a kind of urge to be eager, a longing to be happy.”

Jon Hassler

In memory of Rocky Russo Serna aka Pebs. We lost this precious baby boy at only 21 months. In his short life on this Earth, he experienced many different adventures. Pebble’s Adventures are true stories of his many escapades. He was and will always be a beautiful soul. These children’s book help to keep his memory alive, and share his many adventures through the eyes of a child.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

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His brand new cap. I fell in love with his mesmerizing smile.

Sunday, September 24, 2017, I had a women’s softball tournament that morning. I woke up early because our first game started at 8 am. It was my first all-women tournament in a long time. I was very excited, but disappointed I would miss church. I kissed my Pebs and Rocky good-bye, as they were laying in bed with Pebs in my spot. I dashed out the door in anticipation for the competitive day. I was nervous but exited thinking I would have something I could do for me for a change. I always supported Rocky at his softball tournaments or Amee at her school and sport functions, but this. This was something for me.  I didn’t hear from Rocky until close to 1 that afternoon. He was on his way to the ballpark to come see me play with the kids. Ever since Amee was little, we would support Rocky at all of his softball tournaments. Amee and Pebble both had the privilege to basically be born at the ballpark. Between Amoree’s softball games, our coed league, and Rocky’s men tournaments, we pretty much lived at the fields. However, I never had the family come see me play. I mean, not just me. I looked forward to them being there and rooting for me and our women’s team. I just wasn’t sure if Rocky was going to make it until I received that text from him saying they were on their way. I was elated! My babies were coming to see me play! Much to my surprise, they showed up in church clothes! Rocky and I had been together for eleven years at this point. Out of the eleven years, he had never attended church without me. I am the one who gets everyone up Sunday mornings, and many days, Rocky would stay behind and not go to church with us. The kids and I would go, wishing daddy was with us. There were still many Sundays that we attended church together as a family, all four of us, and those memories will never be forgotten. But on this Sunday, Rocky had taken the initiative, dressed the kids, and had gone to church together without mama! What drove my husband to attend church that day, to me, was God. You’ll understand by the end of this writing. My husband decided to take Old Blue, which was our uncle’s old blue truck that was standard. Pebble rode in the middle with the stick in front of him. Rocky, later, described that ride with such happiness, joy, and love. Pebble was so excited to sit next to “dada” and help him shift the gears. He was full of smiles. Rocky said that on their way to church, they had a flat tire, so he stopped to get it fixed. Of course, Pebble had to get down and help daddy. In the process of “helping,” his church clothes were covered in tire grime and dirt. Rocky said he looked so dirty, but was just so happy that day that he couldn’t even be upset at Pebs for getting his nice clean church clothes all filthy.

When they arrived at Grace Woodlands, Amee went to her kids class, but Pebble wanted to stay with dada. Pebs always behaved like such a big boy around his daddy. He wasn’t like other toddlers. He knew he didn’t want to disappoint daddy or make him upset. Rock said that Pastor’s Steve message that Sunday was about the storms in life, going through loss, and dealing with the aftermaths of a tragedy. Harvey had hit Houston less than a month prior to that sermon, and he was preaching on hope, strength, and courage. Ironic that my son’s last church sermon was about loss. Rocky then said Pebs fell asleep on his shoulder, just like he always did on his daddy. We probably had already played our second game and were waiting to play our third. When my whole heart arrived at the ballpark, all three beautiful souls, I was ecstatic!  I saw my big girl in nice clothes with her hair all fixed up in a high ponytail, and then there was my Pebs, in his pastel orange and beige suit, now mixed with tire and dirt grime. I can still see him running up to me with his arms opened wide. I ran over and scooped his little body up, kissing him continuously as I held him. I hugged my Amee and kissed Rocky. I don’t think there was a happier woman on this Earth at that moment. My teammates and I laughed at Pebs shirt as Rocky told us the story. I decided to take his shirt off and let him run around the ballpark shirtless. I loved his little belly. How I wish I would’ve taken his picture that day.  Him and Amee played up and down the bleachers, with the dogs that were there, and of course, throwing some softballs. As we sat on the bleachers after our last game, I had asked Rocky what made him go to church. I was so surprised and proud that he took the kids to church without me. He couldn’t explain it. He just said he decided to go at the last minute.

Pebble on his oldest cousin’s shoulders.
My Pebble singing to me.
Pebble always smiled for the camera.

Rocky and I become loyal tithers since 2012. We heard a very impactful message from Pastor Steve during that same year that changed our thinking regarding tithes and giving. I would tithe prior to this day but never consistently. Since 2012, we have given our tithes loyally and with giving hearts. I can write several blogs on the blessings we have been given since we became devoted tithers, but that will be on a separate day. Since we had a very slow summer and had taken a family vacation that year with our parents and all the kids, we weren’t struggling financially, but were not in the same financial boat we were used to. I also had decided not to return to teaching after thirteen years, so money was a little tight. That’s why when Rocky told me how much he had decided to give for tithes on this particular Sunday, I was surprised to say the least. It was the most amount of money we had ever given, ever. I asked him what compelled him to write a check for that amount of money for tithes. He said he didn’t know. He couldn’t explain it. Him getting up, taking the kids to church without me, giving so much in tithes, and coming to see me play. It all seemed so unlike him, as if it was someone else that day. Someone, or something else urging him to do these things on this particular Sunday. The last Sunday my Pebs was on this earth.

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My heart. Amoree and Pebble at the pool. 

Our softball Sunday wasn’t over yet. We had our coed league games in Friendswood that evening, and Rock hadn’t brought any clothes to change into. So, he had to make a trip to Academy where he bought himself, Pebble, and Amee some workout clothes. He also bought Pebs some new tennis shoes that would be the ones he would wear on his last day on Earth.  When we arrived at the fields that evening, Pebble was asleep, and so I left him sleeping in the car with Amee. He woke up towards the end of our first game. Amee and him came running towards us, playfully, excitedly, ready to exert some energy. They loved being at the ballpark. There were always kids to play with, and since Pebs was the youngest, all the little girls Amee’s age would take turns playing with him and taking care of him. The ballpark will always be a place where my fondest memories of my Pebs were made. He loved playing. He loved the ballpark. I can’t remember if we won or lost our first game, but our second game we won because the opposing team didn’t show up. Instead of us going home, we decided to BP or hit batting practice. As one person of our team hits several balls, the rest of us are on the field practicing defense. Guess who was on the field with us on this day? My Pebs was running, throwing, and helping us catch the balls. He was standing very close to dada because he would protect him from getting hit when the balls were hit. If I would’ve known it was our last time to have him on the field, I would’ve taken some pictures and video. I thought I was going to have many more of these moments to share with him. Amee was with us, too, with the rest of the girls her age. I often dream about that day. I close my eyes and picture Amee chasing Pebble around the bases, him tripping, his mouth full of dirt, but just kept running until he reached home plate. I see Rocky’s big smile, calling Pebble his “Sunny Boy” and hearing Peb’s laugh as Rocky would occasionally pick him up so he wouldn’t get hit with the ball. If there was anything close to heaven as far as happiness goes, that Sunday had to be it. The amount of happiness, completeness, love, was all felt that day. I know Satan was angry on that day. He sure hated to see a family full of love, full of joy, full of God’s spirit rejoice and live so happily.  My Pebs last complete day with us was perfect, full of joy, laughter, and love. 

One Sunday before church
My sweet boy and I at the playground.
Grandpa, Amee, and Pebs playing
Amee and Pebble on one of our many outings.

I believe God gave Rocky the motivation to go to church that day with the kids. He knew the importance of him spending that day with them at church was going to mean so much to us, but mainly to Pebs. He gave Rocky the will to write a check for tithes that was so grand for us so that we could know that there is faith in the unseen. We had no idea what was about to happen. We had no idea why we wrote a check for that amount of money, but we were faithful and obedient. God knew why. We just had to have faith. I believe God knew the importance of us playing ball together as a family, and allowed us to be together and do what Pebs loved to do. He gave us that last day with him one that we will never forget, not just us, but all those that shared those moments with us. It wasn’t a coincidence that all of these things occurred on this day. It was His hand. God’s Hand was in all of our actions, thoughts, and words that day. He was blessing us far beyond our understanding, even on this day. He knew what tragedy awaited us before we even had any idea, and He was giving us this last blessing with our son. He was allowing this beautiful moment to occur even without us even thinking of any tragedy. There isn’t a minute that goes by that I don’t thank Him for this special day. Some people may see it as just another day, a day that was just going to happen, but there is so much more to this day beyond our seeing and understanding. There hasn’t been another day prior or since that Rocky gets up on his own to go to church without me. There hasn’t been another day prior or since that we write a check for that amount of money for tithes. There hasn’t been another day prior or since that we have had BP as a team with the kids running and playing. I know God had a plan and continues to have a plan for us. I trust in Him alone. We may not understand it all, but Trust in Him who controls it all. He has your life in the palm of His Hands. He will do good in your life if you can trust in Him. I miss my Pebs, deeply with all my soul. I would give my beating heart to go back to this day, the Sunday before the tragedy, when we were all together, happy, and playing ball.

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He loved being at the ballpark
“I have come to believe in the ‘Sacrament of the Moment” which presupposes trust in the ultimate goodness of my creator.”     -Ruth Casey
At Grace church with my loves
Jumpy, jumpy, jumpy on the trampoline on the day of the eclipse
The day after the hurricane when the rain wasn’t as strong. We were on the porch enjoying the wind and the light sprinkles of the rain.
That beautiful smile
“Now may the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
                                                                                                                                            -Romans 15:13

“Dear departed love, continue to be with me, as I will with you.”

Martha W. Hickman

Hurricane Harvey

August 25, 2017 was the date that Hurricane Harvey made landfall. That was a Friday. However, we didn’t experience any hurricane winds, rain, or storms until Saturday evening. There was a boxing match Saturday night Mayweather vs. McGregor.  Rocky wanted to purchase the fight but was afraid Directv would lose signal in the middle of the fight due to the heavy winds and rain that had been building up earlier in the day. Therefore, when my cousin announced that he was going to order the fight, there was no hesitation in my husband’s decision to travel almost 30 miles with the family despite the increasing winds. We headed over to my cousin’s house. I remember being a little annoyed that we were driving into a hail-like storm, unable to see because of the heavy falling rains, just to see a boxing match. As I sit here today, I don’t regret going at all. We made some wonderful memories at my cousin’s house with Pebs. My parents, my sister’s family, my aunt and uncle, and other cousins were there with all the nephews and nieces. We had such an incredible night filled with laughter and love. Pebble loved to sing, (think in my previous blogs I mentioned our love for signing)  and we would do it quite often. This day was no exception. During the fight, he began singing at the top of his lungs a song not understandable coming from his 20 month old voice, but he sang it so loud and strong you would think he was singing it for a congregation of millions. He had everyone at the house laughing and falling in love with him. My dad, who was my son’s number 1 fan, taught him how to hit a punching bag that my cousin had hanging on his back deck. It was so amazing seeing him and my dad punch this bag, making the sound effects “boom” and “pow.”  Then, they pretended to fight each other and took turns with anyone who was around to take a round with him in boxing. My cousin had a couple of TV’s on during the fight, but we were all outside underneath his deck covering watching the boxing match. All the while, the storm was increasing in strength  by the minute. Every round, the thundering rain would get louder and the wind would get stronger. I was getting nervous because I knew we had to drive in that rain back home, and there was no indication that it was “letting up.” Through the 3 min rounds, Pebs sang, hit the punching bag, fought anyone who wanted to play fight, and occasionally, came to get some food and a kiss from mommy. It was a wonderful night. We have spoken of that night since the tragedy on several occasions. We recall the moments that I mentioned, how funny Pebble was as he sang loudly even when he was told to quiet down because the men were trying to hear the TV. The feeling of joy, happiness, love during a hurricane that was blowing fierce winds and heavy rain seemed almost metaphorical. In a time where fear, doubt, and anxiety relates to the storms in life, one positive, little soul, full of life, joy, and love can change the mood, the attitude of the entire atmosphere. That was my baby boy.

The drive home was one of the scariest drives I’ve ever had to make. Thankfully, we arrived safe and sound at home. All my loves were fast asleep as we exited the vehicle into the house at night. It was way passed midnight by the time we fell into our safe and comfy beds. Pebs was placed into his crib but his usual 3 a.m. waking up call wasn’t far from occurring, and mama, routinely and lovingly, would pick him up out of his crib and lay him on her bed, in her arms to continue their sleep.

It was not much after 6 a.m. when I received a phone call from our friends who lived in Dickinson asking us how we were doing from the hurricane. I was surprised and caught off guard that they had called so early in the morning. It was still raining outside, but what I was about to hear want so unexpected. He stated that they had over a foot of water in their house and that he had his wife and their three kids upstairs safe from the rising waters. I was in shock. Flooded? I leaped out of bed and ran downstairs to check our house and Amee. We were in the clear, so far. I rushed outside, where it was still coming down, and realized our front yard looked like a lake. Our house is on beams and not on a slab, but our little house sits on almost 3 acres of land. From my front porch, I couldn’t tell where my yard started or ended. All I could see was water, and it was still raining.

Front yard before the Saturday rain. Almost all under water.
The roads all under water.
Roads headed towards Dickinson.

I called my friend back and asked how they were doing. He stated that he was taking his family some food upstairs, but the water just kept rising. He mentioned that there were some rescue boats that were supposed to go rescue people in these areas. I immediately tried turning the TV on, but didn’t have a good signal with our satellite connection. I started googling information regarding the rescue teams. In just a matter of hours, our city was on a rescue mission. We had neighborhoods under water, and people were scrambling to get out of their homes into a safe place. I, we, had to do something. I woke Rocky up and told him we needed to get the little jon boat on the trailer and head over to the Dickinson area. He was somewhat baffled, but didn’t take him long to get on board. Anyone that knows us, knows we are all about adventure, action, and helping others. Since we had the boat on the deepest part of our land, getting the boat on the trailer was not an easy task as all of that area was way under water. Juggling the rain and helping Rocky load the boat, our rendezvous to help rescue our friends took us a few hours to prepare and get organized. Through our preparation, I kept in touch with our friends and could hear the desperation in his voice. He said he would walk, in waist high water, to the corner store trying to figure out what others in his area were doing. By this time, no one had power and all were waiting to be rescued. He mentioned there were so many people with boats that were trying to help rescue because there weren’t enough government boats to save everyone. I assured him we were on our way. However, so many roads were flooded and closed, finding the best route to them was going to be an additional challenge. It took us over an hour, all four of my family members, to arrive in their area. As we approached the closest entrance to their neighborhood, we could see numerous trucks with trailers parked on both sides of the road.  It was like a boat trailer festival except for the fun part of it. There were so many boat trailers empty of boats but still attached to their trucks, big and small, parked all on the side of the road where we needed to cross.  Rocky carefully drove farther, passing up a plethora of parked, empty boat trailers. There were so many boats on the street. We drove up to a stoplight, but were greeted with boats on the water instead of vehicles. It was unreal. It almost seemed like we were in a movie. It didn’t seem real. We were driving on a road that couldn’t be seen, hidden underneath a body of water, where boats were our driving companions instead of other 4 wheeled vehicles. Our truck is a big, jacked up truck with four by four by the way. Rocky drove into the street that entered into our friend’s neighborhood and as we exited the truck, the water was inches from entering the interior. He docked the boat and with the little battery operating motor, took off to our friend’s house who lived at the very back of the neighborhood. I stayed behind with the kids because the boat wasn’t large enough for all of us to ride in while trying to rescue a family of 5. We weren’t going to fit. As we waited, and waited, and waited, we would see boats coming out of the neighborhood with people, pets, and some belongings. Some people were escaping the floods by using their pool floats and even some blow-up air mattresses! After about an hour, I finally saw my husband and 5 other people coming back on the boat with a dog. It was starting to rain again, so the men did their best to quickly unload the family and their half husky, half wolf dog. Pebble was getting fussy and Rock wanted to go back to help others, so he  decided Pebs would be a great assistant. The two men, plus my Pebs, headed back towards the neighborhood in search of others who needed assistance. My friend and I stayed behind with her two girls, her son, and Amee as the men did their heroic duty. In the several hours that we were there, they must’ve rescued 3 or 4 other families. They’d have women and children, all smiling nervously, as they were getting pulled out of their flooded homes. As the kids’ appetite increased and their cheerful attitude was replaced by raging fits, we finally had to abort our rescue mission. We offered to take a family down to a gas station where they would get a ride, and our friends would come stay with us. Again, the traveling back home was a challenge because the roads were already flooded, and difficult to travel on. We were all jammed packed in our two row seating truck, so 2 adults and the dog had to ride on the bed of the truck. Normally, this would be illegal in our area, but when you are in a flood, there are a few exceptions to the rules, and this was one of them. Of course, when you have to drive no more than 30 mph, sitting on the back of the truck seems pretty safe, considering the circumstance.

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Rocky and Pebs on the jon boat during their rescue mission. Pebs was tired after his heroic day.

Hurricane Harvey devastated our entire city, but it brought memories that were made with my Pebs. It was a such a horrible time, filled with loss and suffering for so many, and we were blessed to have our home and help others during these difficult times. Through the next few days, we continued to be a support system for others in need. Not only did we help rescue them, but also help with the demolition of many destroyed homes.  We were there, Pebs included, helping them rebuild their lives. He was present through it all. When we couldn’t drive in and out of our neighborhood because the roads were all flooded, we drove our rzr (sport side by side vehicle) up and down streets to bring food and drinks to those that weren’t able to leave their homes. We did this together, as a family, with our new house guests, as well. He was 20 months but never did he act like a baby. He was such a big boy. He never complained or whined. Everywhere around us, people were learning how to rebuild, how to file claims, how to demolish homes, where to dump their destroyed belongings, and churches coming together to help their communities and their own buildings. So many church buildings were damaged from this hurricane, but were still motivated to come together to help others in need. I had never seen such collaboration and cooperation in a city. I imagine that’s how New York united after 911 or Boston after the marathon bomb attack. I’m sure many cities, after a devastated catastrophe, unite to help all those in need. In my 36 years of living, I had never experienced such unison, such love, such support from human kind. It was so beautiful. I felt immensely proud to be a Houstonian, seeing so many people from my city and surrounding areas, come together for the common good of others. And through it all, Pebs was there. Present. Alive.  He was Alive. He was breathing. He was laughing. He was smiling. He was living.  I guess that’s why it’s so difficult to approach the year anniversary of Harvey without feeling the pain, the sharp pain of grief that engulfs my soul. We were blessed during Harvey. We didn’t get flooded, didn’t lose our home, and we were able to help others. We reached out, giving what little we had, for others to survive. We were teaching our kids the importance of giving, sharing (our home, our belongings, our time), and to appreciate everything. 

I look back during those times and picture Amee and Pebs playing in the rain. It was their first hurricane experience and captured every moment of it. I recall Pebs walking in our flooded yard with his rain boots and getting stuck. He was so upset and kept calling for me to go rescue him. I was video taping him, telling him to just keep walking. He was going to be okay, and that it was just water. He didn’t move until sister went to help him, but the moment was captured. I remember him sitting on my lap while we rode in the rzr. His little arms and legs were cold from the water splashing up on us so I covered him with a towel that we had. He soon fell asleep in my arms. Though this moment was not captured on video, it was engraved forever in my heart. He then suffered from a little cold and runny nose afterwards. I remember feeling bad and thought that I shouldn’t of taken him on that ride in the rzr. Now, almost a year later, I thank God I went on that rzr ride with my Pebs. Him on my lap, us sticking our hands out to touch the water, as we drove right through the flooded streets.

Amee first hurricane.
Pebble was so excited for the rain. His first and last hurricane experience.
My sweet baby boy
We were all on the porch but the wind was blowing so wildly, we occasionally would get splattered with rain.

We don’t ever understand why things happen, but I have learned to trust in my God. He knows why. Even if He told me, I probably wouldn’t understand it anyways. I try to live today with that motto. God is trying to teach me, strengthen me, or wanting me to embrace this moment, and so, I must obey. Living in grief hasn’t been easy to be obey. However, when my moments of sadness comes seeping in, I call out to Him. Let this pain endure for just a little while, and then help me embrace this day. Whatever today brings, help be embrace it. When my heart aches in agony, I pray to Him. I know today is necessary. I don’t know why, but it is necessary if He has me here. Pebs is smiling. I know he remembers all of his adventures that we had, and one day, soon from now, we will reminisce on all of our times we shared together.

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My baby boy
“And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes and there shall be no more death nor sorrow nor crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
                                                                                                                                                           -Revelation 21:4
Our friend and Pebs on the rzr while we continued helping others.
Good morning my sweet baby boy. This was the morning of August 26, 2017. We were headed for an adventure filled with memories.
“As I sit and stare at the shimmering moon, I also sit here and hope to see you soon. Then I realize I won’t be able to see you tomorrow….So I sit here and cry in sorrow. Now I only uphold a dream which I hope to come true and that one dream is to be reunited in heaven with you.”
                                                                                                                                    -Loved Ones in Heaven Quotes

Green

“For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” -1 Corinthians 13:12

Green. It’s a secondary color, not like blue, yellow or red. Mixed together with yellow and blue, we get the color green. Verde is the word in Spanish. The Mona Lisa is painted with a green dress, and the British House of Commons has green benches. It is the color most associated with nature and wealth. It is a bright, an almost unforgettable color. As of September 25, 2017, green became  my favorite. Now and forever.

I was giving Pebs a bath. It was a Sunday evening. School for my daughter was on the next day. Therefore, early baths and bedtime routines were underway. I had set the baby’s sleeping clothes by his crib because sister loved to dress him afterward. We were playing with his bath letters, the ones that come in a multitude of colors and are made out of foam. Pebs could hand me all the colors when I asked for them, in English and in Spanish. I’d say, “Daddy’s, can you hand mama the red, rojo?” He’d reach down and hand me any random red letter. We’d do this every bath time, every color, in English and Spanish. He loved chewing on them, and as he’d reach for a new foam letter to place in his mouth, I’d ask for him to hand that color to me. That night, we were about done with his bath, and he reached down, grabbed a letter, and, as he was handing it to me, he said, “Green, green.” I was extremely excited and cheerfully repeated, “Yes, papasito, it is green. Good job!” It was his first time ever to actually name a color. Unbeknown to me, it would be his first and only color to ever name out loud. 

Verde. It is now my favorite color. I wear it all the time. My nail color is usually green. I buy green purses and shirts. If I had more courage to walk around with green hair, I probably would. We had a balloon release with green and white balloons on his birthday, December 24. (Yes, he was my Christmas miracle). I can still hear him saying “green” and handing me the letter. The best part of this grief journey besides me now having a favorite color, is that he left his little, tiny teeth marks on all of those foam letters. All the time that I would tell him to stop biting them, in English and Spanish, and he never listened, I now have a physical imprint of his tiny teeth forever. I still have that same letter that he handed me on that day. The letter W. The 23rd letter of the alphabet. The green foam letter W.  I kiss it every day before I step out of the shower. I imagine him kissing me back. I’m blessed to have had a baby boy that would bite his letters and not listen to mama when he was told to stop. I’m blessed to have his little teeth stamped in all those foam letters. I’m blessed to have the memory of that final day when he declared to me with great certainty that the color was green. 

Balloon release on Pebs first birthday in Heaven.
We all wore green.
Go, Go, Go shirts for his benefit.
Bracelets in green.
Cute little teeth mark.
His teeth marks.
“When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.”
                                                                                                                                                             Isaiah 43:2
“We must be ready to allow ourselves to be interrupted by God.”
                                                                                                                                    -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

“When you are being stretched out of your comfort zone, always remember that is the very place God will have the most flexibility to show His divine power through you to those He places in your life.

Embrace these stretching times, never resent them.”

Author Unknown

A Sister’s Sorrow

My Amee had just turned 7 years old when Pebs was born. If you could describe the best big sister, she would be it. She immediately took on the role of second mommy. She looked forward to carrying him, feeding him, pampering him, loving on him, and all the other sisterly duties expected of an older sister. She was perfect. They were perfect together.

September 25, 2017 changed her. The day her baby brother tragically and unexpectedly passed away marked her heart and soul with tremendous sorrow. She was there when we couldn’t find Pebs. She saw the fear, the tears, the devastation in our eyes. She experienced seeing adults fall to their knees in agony. She heard screams, the wailing of grown men and women, the terror of that day will forever be imprinted in her young, innocent mind. She was only 8. She saw her parents in disarray as they were driven away to the hospital behind the ambulance that was carrying her baby brother’s lifeless body. She stayed behind full of fear. My mom stayed with her and tried to console her as she herself was in disbelief. The days that followed were of survival for Amee. I was physically present, but emotionally and spiritually, I was dead. She had my sister, my cousin, grandma, and family friends that all came to the rescue. They helped take her to school, kept her fed and distracted in a time where her home was completely changed from what it was before. Her home that was filled with baby laughter, family love, a house of 4, was now shattered. The home she once knew was no more. As an 8 year old, how do you begin to grasp the reality of loss? She would see me every day crying. She saw the agonizing pain in her daddy’s eyes. She felt the brokenness in her once complete and perfect world. Her life was forever changed. She lost her brother to death, but her parents now seemed gone, as well. She had never felt more alone, full of sadness, and so helpless. All she wanted was for everything to go back to how it used to be.

It’s amazing looking back how God truly carried us through. Those days following the tragedy are a blur, but I know He was there every step of the way. He gave me the strength every day to get out of bed and live. He gave me the will to hurt, to grieve, to break so that He could also mend me in His way for my daughter and loved ones that still needed me. I knew that my pain was too much for me to handle, so He helped me get through the hardest part of my life in order for my daughter to witness His love, His mercy, His grace, His peace, His power. He had to work in me and through me for our family to survive. I needed to overcome the brokenness so Amee could have her mother back. Amoree needed to know in this life we will experience the worst pain, but without Him, there is no life to prevail. She saw me at the very lowest, darkest pit of depression and pain. But she saw me climb out, slowly and painfully, but she saw her mother stand back up. She witnessed her parents through tears and sadness, not miss a single holiday or birthday. She experienced her heart get broken in a millions pieces, but was exposed to so much love and affection from all of our family and friends. The thousands of people that showed their support through simple gifts, phone calls, visits, a hug, benefits, and especially softball.

I don’t know how different our lives would be today if we didn’t experience this tragedy. I know Amee went through a very hard and dark time in her life. Self-esteem, confidence, courage, fear are all very real emotions that she struggles with till this day. We did see therapists and counselors for a while but Amee is not one that enjoys talking about her pain or her issues. We turned softball into our therapy. We engulfed our energy into a sport. We chose to spend our days together in a ballpark. Through that journey, we made a team in Pebs honor. Our team was called the Moonshots, and made some great friends and amazing memories along the way. We spent many evenings outside practicing and taking pictures of the moon. We were able to move forward, together, as a family and this sport allowed us to spend so much time with our daughter, who needed her parents to help her overcome her grief. Without words, without medication, without therapist, we watched Amee flourish into a young, smart, competitive, softball pitcher. She is now 15. Today is her birthday. It’s amazing to think it’s been 7 years. Seven years that were crucial to her growth, her mental state, her character, her life.

We have lost family and friends along this grief journey. It changes you and forces you to change your lifestyle. However, we have gained some wonderful friends and loved ones through this path. Amee lost her brother, but she also lost the life she was living. She needed stability again. She needed her parents, her mom to be there for her. She wanted everything to go back to normal, and it was our job to make her life be “normal” again. I couldn’t give her that. I had to mend back together. I had to find my new “normal” in order to give her one. I had to allow God to work in me, as much as it hurt. I had to feel the pain. I had to feel the shattered, broken heart get mended back together. Piece by piece, crease by crease slowly and painfully, God worked in me so that I could be the mother, wife, sister, daughter, leader He needed me to be after this tragedy. We don’t choose grief. Amee didn’t choose it, but in this life, we will experience heartaches, loss, unspeakable pain, but if we allow God to work all things out, He will work it our for our good. If we give Him all of our faith, believe in Him, and ask for His strength, He will listen and will not leave us or forsake us. I experienced His glory. I felt His presence, His peace, His strength. I knew He was carrying me. I am here because of Him. My daughter could be in a completely different place right now, but because of Him, she is not only striving, but succeeding in this life. When all of the odds were against her to be anything but a failure, she became a shining star. Allow God to work in every area of your life. Be faithful and believe in Him. He will never leave you.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.”

Romans 8:28

Therefore it is not God’s will that when we feel pain we should pursue it in sorrow and mourning over it, but that suddenly we should pass it over, and preserve ourselves in the endless delight which is God.

Juan of Norwich

Grateful

Thanksgiving has passed. It is now December 1, but it’s never too late to be thankful, especially on a day like today. I walked outside this morning after a long night of thunderstorms and showers. My whole front yard was full of rain puddles, soggy and muddy grass. To my great surprise, not only was it wet and muddy, there was trash littered all over my front yard. My lovely canine companions decided that tipping over the trash can was going to be their new hobby. As red lines filled my sight, I calmly and patiently walked over and began to pick up the trash. This nuisance of a task that I found myself indulging in, involuntarily I might add, forced me to think about how grateful I was for our garbage company. If we didn’t have an organization that came by and gleefully carried all of our trash on a weekly basis, where would we put it? I know in my household, we accumulate trash on a DAILY and we take it out to the big trash cans every day. But where would I take the trash from inside the house once it was filled if we didn’t have the blessings of a garbage company to come pick up on weekly basis? My backyard? Could you imagine how filthy and dirty our streets and houses would be? Filled with critters, unwanted pests, and our homes surrounded with the dreadful smells, stench, and varmint invested critters? I think of how awful it must’ve been prior to a solid waste management company, and I’m so thankful for this endeavor to have been established during my lifetime! I could not imagine having to keep my trash on my property or hulling it over daily or weekly to a dump. I don’t know about you, but I’m so very grateful that I have this service available to us. The next time I want to complain about their prices increasing, I’m going to remember how they are creating a service I could not manage on my own. Thank you to all who are providing services that make our lives cleaner, healthier, and more convenient! Let us not forget they are a necessity so let’s treat them with kindness and gratitude!

Moon

 He was infatuated with the ever changing Moon. My son loved playing and being outside. There was a day during our evening exercises that he looked toward the sky, pointed to the Moon, and began to leap for the mysterious and distant Moon. He must’ve jumped at least a hundred times trying to reach that celestial object so profound in the sky. Pebs pointed, turned towards me and engaged me to look at the Moon, and then continued to jump for it. He was so proud to have discovered this bright, astronomical “ball” that he apparently didn’t think I knew existed. All of this was during the day when the Moon is “asleep” and not supposed to be seen. 

Since September 25, 2017, I haven’t missed a single day or night without searching the sky for the moon. Most days I see it and try to capture it with my phone camera whether it’s during the day or night. Some days, I talk to him. I tell him how much I miss him, and with tears rolling down my face, I ask for strength. Other days, I just stare. I allow my thoughts to roam, to be free. But most of the days, I just thank God. It wasn’t on the first day or a week after. It probably wasn’t even a month after my son’s passing that I was grateful to Him. It was difficult to feel anything but brokenness for the first few months. Being grateful was not even a feeling I knew how to have in those days. Searching and discovering the Moon brought me solace in the first few months after his passing. It was almost our connection, my therapy. A time where I could release my anger, my questions, my brokenness. The Moon. How could something that brought my son and I so much joy, bring so much pain now? We jumped for it. We admired it. We learned about it. La Luna. It brought tears, agony, and happiness all at the same time. 

One day, I’ll be able to write about that tragic day. I’ll magically script the horrific nightmare that tortures me and strengthens me all at once, but today isn’t the day. One day, I know I’ll relive that moment through words and know that projecting them on screen isn’t for my grief journey, but for others who will need to hear the story for their own grief and hope.

My Pebs. I often think what he would be doing now. What new words he would be speaking, and how far would he be hitting the baseball with his bat. Those thoughts tend to haunt and torture a grieving mother. I don’t allow myself to stay there long or too often. I spend time on our pond that we have in the backyard. I lay on the pier and look up into the sky. I spot the Moon and stare. I talk to him. I tell him how much I miss him. I let him know how much I love him. I express, with my tears and words, how much I wish he was here. I stare long and hard at the moon. The ever changing Moon. Then, with the tears flowing, I thank Him. I thank God for allowing ME to be his mom. What a blessing to have had the privilege to be Pebble’s mama! He chose me.  He gave us 21-months with our sweet baby boy. He filled our hearts with so much joy, love, laughter, and a plethora of blessings! He blessed me with my son. He blessed me then, he blessed me on that horrible day, and he continues to bless me, now and forever. I walk through faith. I am a child of God.

The Moon will always be something that connects me with my Pebs. Now and forever. I have moon décor, jewelry, clothing, even our softball team was named Moonshots in honor of our sweet boy. It signifies his life, his love, his joy, his energy, his heart, and our connection. I think of how wonderful the Moon is, its significance to our world. The Moon on it’s own doesn’t shine, but it reflects light. Without it, we wouldn’t have the gravitational pulls of the Earth, helps with climate control, and allows the sun’s light to reflect off of her to give us illumination in the dark nights. When I was in the darkest time of my life, the Moon would be there shining brightly and reminding me that there was still a life, a world, that needed to be shined upon. My Pebs was that light to others, but especially to me. That same Moon that brought me agony during my darkest moments after I lost Pebs, also illuminated my heart out of that pit of blackness. In order to keep my son’s memory alive, to fulfill my purpose, I must be like the Moon. I can’t be useful in the dark. I have to climb out of the pit to the light in order to shine for others, just like my Pebs did. We all have a purpose and it can’t be discovered in the darkness. You can only shine in the light. The Moon will always be there, whether we can see it or not. It is there. Just like our pain, but we are allowed to live and help others while we are on this Earth. 

I will continue to admire the Moon everyday of my existence and everyday, I will have my Pebs there with me. 

“When the storms rage on, I look back and remember, how you’ve been my rock. You’ve been faithful to me. And I know I’m loved, I can stand on this promise. Through it all and say You’ve been good to me. ”  -Faithful To Me worship song (Grace Houston Worship)

“Love the moment, and the energy of that moment will spread beyond all boundaries.” -Corita Kent

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My Sweet Pebs looking up.

Even in the Dark

“Even in the dark, you have the power to whistle.” -Fredrick Buechner

The thought of whistling isn’t something we think of when in pain. We whistle a happy tune when we are happy, joyful, excited about a new date or a promotion at work. Whistling isn’t anything we think of doing when we are hurled over in pain with a loss of a loved one. It’s almost impossible to gather enough strength to vocalize words much less a whistle. In grief, we muster the strength to just get out of bed, to take on step in front of the other, and make it through another day. Whistling isn’t anything a person who is grieving wishes to do, and yet, if we can conquer the initiative to do the impossible, that is in itself is a major victory. It’s not only a mere tune, it’s a milestone, a step towards moving forward. The road ahead is long, treacherous, and painful, but if you can pull yourself together for a few seconds and push out a little whistle along the way, bit by bit, you will be walking towards the light, slowly walking away from the dark. It may seem impossible, almost unfair, but you will find the joy in a simple song. Allow yourself to grief, but also remember, there are those that miss your tune. They are waiting patiently to hear your whistle again.

Premonition Dream?

September 23, 2017. It was a Saturday morning. I had awaken from a terrifying dream. Rocky, my husband, was still laying in bed, and I had just finished brushing my teeth. I walked over to the bed and just stared at him. Pebs was already downstairs playing with his sister, Amoree. We heard the yelling, laughing, and occasional running as they enjoyed the absence of their parents. As I continued to ponder, Rock asked me what was wrong. I told him that I had had a really weird, scary dream. In my dream, we were playing with Pebble on the bed like we always did. He was jumping and crashing all over us. On one of the crash landings, he missed the bed, and had fallen off. He landed on his head and was crying. Blood started to immerse. Rocky quickly picked him up and handed him to me. He was screaming, yelling for me to fix our son.  I calmly and matter-of-fact told him to calm down and call 9-1-1. I was putting pressure on Pebble’s head, where he was bleeding, and all of sudden, right before I awoke, he went limp in my arms. I woke up in a state of disbelief. He had died in my arms. As I finished telling Rocky about my dream, we both had a slight fear in our eyes, but with a nervous smirk, pushed it away. It seemed easier at that moment to ignore something so fearful and unimaginable than to continue talking about it. After all, it was just a dream. I must’ve shared my dream with everyone I encountered that day. I told my stepdaughter, my sister, my parents, and even Amee, but never in a serious tone. It was almost a, “Oh my gosh. You won’t believe the dream I had last night. It was crazy,” kind of tone to it. It wasn’t taken serious and wasn’t discussed further. That Saturday night, I had another dream about death. Our 10 year old beloved dog, Lola had died. I have never remembered the specifics about that dream, but I remember thinking, “Why am I dreaming about death?” Sunday night, someone else died, but I can’t remember who now. Monday, September 25, 2017, my world was changed. My Pebs, full of life and joy, our sweet little Sonny Boy, left this earth.  That day, I will write about in details in other time, but for today, I want you to know how real my dream was. He did fall. He did hit head. Rocky did hand him to me. He was limp. He did pass away. He had died. I carried his limp little body to a safe place on the ground where I proceeded with CPR. I heard family members, friends, and specifically Rocky, yelling, pleading to “fix” him.  I continued my mission on bringing him back, as I stared at the bruise on his little face. The police tenderly grabbed him from me and proceeded with trying to revive him.  20151224_134102.jpg

I blamed myself for the longest time just like the enemy wants.  He wants you to live in guilt and remorse. I thought God had given me a warning through the dream, and I was too naïve, ignorant, and of little faith to have listened to it. I was so ashamed. I felt myself falling into the pits of misery, depression, darkness. It was my fault. And then, I was introduced to Levi Lusko. He is a pastor of Fresh Life Church in Montana. He wrote a book called Through the Eyes of a Lion that changed my perspective in my premonition. He also lost a child to an asthma attack five days before Christmas. His book speaks about his tragic day and the days leading up to it. What impacted me the most from his book is when he talked about premonitions and his dreams. Two weeks before his Lenya Lion went to be with the Lord, he kept having dreams about death. The only way he could describe his dreams was that it was God’s way of letting him know that no matter what we would’ve tried to do, the tragedy was going to happen, regardless. It wasn’t God trying to warn him, or me, and that we just didn’t have enough faith or that we didn’t listen. It was Him trying to take the “guilty” part out of our mind, our hearts, and our soul. You see, God knew what He allowed was going to try and destroy us. The pain alone would take us to the most darkest, loneliest, unimaginable places anyone could every think of, and He made a way that would deliver us from that guilt. He showed us that even though this horrible thing was allowed to happen, nothing we could’ve done would’ve changed the outcome. The enemy is going to prowl and encourage us to stay in this dark pit, but God is so good. He wanted to protect us from the evil thoughts. If God allowed my Pebs and Lenya to be taken from us, then it was necessary. I don’t understand it. I may not want to accept it, but God knows the needs of all His children. As a child of God, I’m to be obedient and to trust in Him. He has made promises to us, and I have faith that He will provide. He will fulfill His promises, and He will never, ever leave me. I know Pebs is playing in Heaven right now. He’s running, jumping, laughing, and singing up there. I know he feels my love, and he’s waiting for me. I dream of him often. I know when he visits me in my dreams.  I thank God for the times he has allowed Pebs to visit me. Most days, I don’t want to wake up, but when I open my eyes, I smile with tears rolling down my cheek. I smile because we were together. I smile and know that one day soon, we will be together again for eternity.

“On the night she went to Heaven, I did for Lenya what a daddy should never have to do. I reached out and closed my little girls eyes. What I never expected was that God used her to open mine.”
                                                                                                                     –Through The Eyes of A Lion, Levi Lusko

A week before Pebble was born.
My baby boy was born on Christmas Eve.
I’m always mesmerized by the moon.

“Let our faith become a mountain that will rise and never fall, lifted high above the valley, we declare Your kingdom come. We will cling to what You’ve promised ’til the day You call us home. Let our faith become a mountain we stand on.”
                                                                                                   –Let Our Faith Become a Mountain, Jesus Culture

Agonizing grief

Life will never be the same for these family members. Their life, what they knew of it, has now forever changed. The happy family get togethers, holidays, birthdays, and summer vacations will NEVER be the same again. My heart breaks for these surviving loved ones, friends, coworkers, and life partners. They will want to figure out a way to turn back time. They will try to do all the “what ifs” and “I should’ve’s.” I wish there was a magic potion I could give them to ease their agonizing pain, their grief, but all I can do is pray. I can give them support, love, and comfort, and ask our Heavenly Father from above to bring them strength that only the Holy Spirit can bring and peace that He alone can send. I know their hearts are shattered, and nothing will ease their hurt, but I want you all to know that we are fiercely praying for you and all the family and loved ones involved with the tragedy. We will be praying for all of you. May you feel His presence, His comfort, and His arms wrapped around you. Please join me in praying and bringing all the families involved some solace in knowing they have people praying for them during these difficult times.

Losing a loved one is heartbreaking

 “So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” John 16:22